Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
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ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
*Inspirational Tweets*
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
I mean…but I did
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.